TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let's have An additional position in which American Males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files Trump Tower Damascus revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests might ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting attention from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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